All posts by Kellie Fraizer

When you love someone, but you’re not compatible, you have a choice to make

IMG_5811When you love someone, even though you’re clearly not compatible, you have a choice to make.

1. You can choose to love them in spite of the fact they seem to break everything – especially your heart
– or –
2. You can eventually go your separate ways because of incompatibility

This wonderful choice began the day you were born…

Males and females were created incompatibly different from birth. If you believe the story of creation then you know man was made from the dust of the earth, and woman was formed from Adam’s rib, according to scripture. We know that dust of the earth, and ribs from a human being are also made up of completely different cells and particles. One could even say, they’re incompatible, right?

Jon and I have loved one another since our teen years, but admittedly the choice to love has sometimes been more than difficult over the course of our 33 year marriage. (BTW….my husband thought it was important for me to tell you that he read and approved this message. He was concerned I would be judged harshly if you didn’t know that ahead of time. Presh, right?)

Continuing on…

Being a male, Jon often sees things competitively – as in winning or losing, as in right or wrong. That means whether we’re in an important discussion, or carrying heavy things, or even grocery shopping, it all somehow becomes a game of winning or losing.

Being female, and an entrepreneur, I often see things as a collaborative adventure. I love discussing important matters, taking my time shopping to get the healthiest ingredients for my family, and though I don’t take myself too seriously, I view life as a series of moments. Evey moment is another opportunity to impact others in a positive, non-competitve way.

Being male, he often sees hunting for the right bargain or gathering the best wood to work on his next project – often enjoying time alone in his man cave. For most men, communication is not a favorite past time but they don’t mind being in the same room together.IMG_5837

Being female, I decide if something is in alignment with my spirit or not. I don’t mind making a healthy investment if so. I love working together because I thrive on problem solving, learning new skills and growing in relationship together. I also view healthy communication as vitally important to all relationships.

We were created to be different

I think you might agree that my husband and I come from two completely different perspectives. Although I believe that the influences we choose to put into our brains usually impact our lifestyle tremendously, I also believe that God made us different for a good reason. SO DIFFERENT in fact, that it often requires us to dig deep into our soul to choose forgiveness and love, which takes an act of unselfishness.

But here’s the thing…we need each other to live, love and learn. Jon and I together discovered an incredible secret to love that needs to be shared in a significant way. This is one reason for my article.

UNITY saves marriages

Did you know that unity is achievable even when we’re not compatible? Check this out.

“COMPATIBILITY is the state of existence or occurrence without problems or conflict.”

“UNITY is the state of being united or joined as a whole.”

Did you catch that last word?? WHOLE!

So being compatible is existing – while being united produces wholeness.

While you may think this is just symantec’s, I can assure you its definitely not. When we unite on important matters because they’re important, we find harmony and peace.

Jon and I didn’t understand that there was an actual strategy to marriage. It wasn’t until we were good and ready to walk away from each other that God allowed me to see it. That’s when I shared it with him, and we both finally agreed to get started to achieve unity the way Jesus wanted us to.

Unity doesn’t even glance at incompatibility

Discussions of unity turn up everywhere long before you’re married. If you think back to your dating life you might be able to see how you actually achieved outstanding unity over and over again.

You: “Do you want to go dancing?”

Date: “Sure. Do you?”

You: “Sure! Where do you want to go?”

Date: “How about trying out the new dance club downtown?

You: ” Okay! Lets go shake a leg!”

And off you went, leg shaking your way to a unified outcome. Then came discussions of growing old together, what your first house would look like, what type of trips you wanted to take together, how many kids you wanted to have. There were many unifying factors that started your relationship off. Some people call them goals or dreams to attain, but whatever you call them, your relationship has never been about simple existing.

Can you imagine what that might sound like?

You: “Do you want to go dancing?”

Date: “Huh? Do you?”

You: “Maybe. Where do you want to go?”

Date: “I’m not sure. There’s a new dance club downtown?

You: “Yeah I heard that too.”

And there you sit. No leg shaking, no more thought of dancing, planning or achieving some form of unity.

Unity produces an outcome of WHOLENESS the moment you say, “I do”. IMG_5839

The day you took your vows was like hearing “POW!” inside your head. I remember looking at the ring on my finger saying to my little sister, “Oh my gosh, I’ve just become Mrs. Frazier. Can you believe it?!”

Little did I know how utterly incompatible we were at that moment, or how utterly beautiful unifying would be had I only known the proper strategy for it back then.

Oddly enough, divorcing because you are incompatible is actually pretty lame because you’re just stating a fact without realizing that it has nothing to do with being married.

Lets take a look at two of the major excuses for break up’s for instance.

FINANCES: You may not like spread sheets and yet he may not be able to do life without them. You try to get him to use a normal check book and he insists on using spread sheets. You may have been fighting for so long about the spreadsheet issue that you’ve neglected to stay focused on the unifying factors of how much you both wanted to give, invest, save, spend, etc. Working toward unity allows you to come back to the goals you initially had together and find a way to support one another. This brings peace into your home, not to mention a few good snuggles.

SEX: You want more intimacy. He wants more sex. He doesn’t know that intimacy is something that can be accomplished in simple ways that would give him all the sex he wants. Working toward being emotionally connected is working toward unity. When he emotionally connects to you, you finally feel loved, cherished and ready to respond to his every need.

My husband and I have changed many aspects in our marriage in strategic ways, similar to those I just mentioned. We’ve learned to love each other differently, unifying on every level that is important to us to achieve success and stay joyfully married. We’ve learned to find the best in each other so we can enjoy our time together. In fact, we just celebrated our 33rd year as husband and wife, while accepting that we are unapologetically IMG_5845incompatible. We are also 100% certain that the trajectory of our marriage has changed permanently thanks to God’s amazing grace.

As I continue to share God’s original plan to UNITE us to WHOLENESS again, I’m very grateful that you, my dear reader, have a willingness to see the difference and apply it to your own life. If you found value in this article feel free to share it and leave your thoughts below. The more couples we can make aware of unity, the more marriages we can save.

Always Love,

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Is Your Marriage Strong Enough?

Screen Shot 2015-03-08 at 7.22.33 PMShortly after doing a soft launch for my latest book, Love Differently – Stay Married, I received numerous emails and phone calls from entrepreneurs who wanted the book.  One such email came from a young woman who said, “I’m ready to throw in the towel (this was a newly wed) and pour myself back into my work unless your book helps us make it work.”

According to her new husband, this entrepreneur never stopped pouring herself into her work. He did have an expectation for her though and that was to find the right balance between being a wife, and being with her work. If she couldn’t do it, then he wanted her to close her company.

Being Highly Driven

Entrepreneurs who are highly driven to succeed, without Christ, are often notorious for putting their work before their spouse, family, friends and even themselves.  This can lead to a path of:

  • Too much time away from the spouse or family
  • Little understanding of each others needs
  • Not sharing in the household burdens
  • No boundaries to show where work ends and marriage begins
  • No one championing or uplifting when affirmation is sought
  • Not being there for emotional or physical connections are desired

To whom much is given, much is required.

When spouses’ join together as a team, or take their vows in a covenant, they become one ‘flesh’ the Bible says. They ultimately share the burden of everything; work, View More: chores, parenting responsibilities, schedules, finances and more. They are each others best friends and soul mates.  They are their mate’s champion and teacher.  They see that work-life priorities are something that takes time to learn and they choose to be patient while their partner builds new skill sets. This is a healthy perspective for any marriage, but particularly as a spiritual entrepreneur who often holds themselves to a higher standard than most.

It wasn’t until after 2 years of taking a Sabbatical with God, studying human behavior, healthy relationships and marriage, that I became a life coach in 2005. While working with couples from all over the world I discovered that those who were traumatized by unhealthy relationship examples in their past were at risk for repeating unhealthy patterns in their future.  It truly didn’t matter if they owned a business, worked for someone else, were Christ-followers or Athiests. If a person’s perspective about relationships is unhealthy to begin with, then running a business only adds to the present perceived trauma for them.

History repeats itself

I didn’t believe that history would repeat itself in my own marriage.  I trusted that we would do things differently than our parents did right from the start. I was right, in the beginning, while everything was new and different.

We both came from divorced and divided homes however, so eventually I heard him repeatedly say, “I fix ‘things’ not relationships.” and he often heard me say, “We’ve got to fix things right now.” Within these two limiting beliefs, history had already repeated itself.

Detach from the outcome

The most important lesson I learned in marriage was to detach from the outcome. I learned this lesson one sunny morning while sitting at the breakfast table. I heard in my spirit, “What would happen if you were to surrender your husband to me today and let go of the outcome instead of trying to steer him where you believe he ought to go?”
It literally took my breath away.

Screen Shot 2015-06-23 at 2.03.55 PMI stared into the cup of hot chocolate I was stirring (this was before I removed sugar from my diet) and I realized the marshmallows weren’t melting.  The cup wasn’t hot enough so I got up and popped it in the microwave. As it was heating, I leaned against the stove and crossed my arms. I knew I need to respond to that question. I said with a little resistance (okay maybe a lot of resistance), “I guess I wouldn’t know. I’ve never done that before.”

The microwave timer went off and I opened the door to take my cup out and that’s when I heard, “The health of your marriage is a direct reflection of your personal walk with me.”

I look down at the marshmallows to see they were a bubbling white blend of goo. “A direct reflection.” I repeated to myself.  That statement held a lot of weight for me and still does to this day.  If my walk with God is about obedience and love, then what am I doing in relationship to my spouse?  I didn’t know it then, but it would take me years to answer this question because change takes time. It takes effort. It takes lots and lots of patience and practice before your heart melts just like those marshmallows, and you truly become one.

If you contemplate on your own marriage, and find that it isn’t the greatest reflection of your walk with God, take heart. It’ll help you to know that we ALL experience those times when we’d rather control our way through life. Its human nature. But when we allow ourselves the time to sit at Jesus’ feet, we realize we can fully let go of the outcome because there is no longer any need to control or protect.  Ultimately, that is where we all want to be.

To know Jesus better can only happen one way, just like with our spouses. By spending time getting to know him.  You can find Free Bible lessons right here.

While I admit that Christ-like principles won’t appeal to everyone, it will be a HUGE leap for motivated couples who want to put God first in their life. I trust that if you’re still reading this, then you will love differently in order to stay married, so that when those rough times come, you too will be able to say, “Yes, my marriage is definitely strong enough.”

Always Love,